There was very little warning. I was standing right there in the kitchen, watching the whole thing unfold, and I still didn't see it coming. The rest of the Family was busying themselves in the living room. I suppose they'd have had a chance if they'd known what to do.
If we'd only had a plan.
The Boy, if I recall, was actually reading. Quiet. Absorbed in his book. And then his father's horrified voice exploded through the room . . .
SWEET MOTHER OF GOD IT'S WINONA JUDD'S SWEATY GOOCH!!
The Wife reacted first in silence. That look about taking the name of a fat celebrity's gooch in vain in the presence of the Boy. He spoke, but as the words passed it was already over.
It's a winona sweaty wha--AAAAAARRRRRGGGBNLBLLL!!
And then nothing.
Let me back up, if I may.
See, I like to cook. I've got all kinds of potions and appliances for making things for eating. Among my most prized, is my coveted bottle of
Fish Sauce. While it looks more like a tea than a sauce, and smells more like cat shit and taco meat than fish, it is my #1 secret ingredient in Japanese (or any Asian) cuisine. The Japs even tried to push a fifth flavor-type to describe it:
umami or "sort of like savory but better." It is the reason shit just don't taste right when you make it at home instead of hitting a restaurant.
So, anyway, I'm gonna stir fry up some beef. Kickass! I got my big steel wok. Got my other shit. Wok + peanut oil are getting HOT on the stove. It wants to smoke, but can't. So so close to smoke! I throw in a whole clove of garlic and it starts cracking and jumping around in the pan. Oh, yeah.
And then I don't know what happened wrong in my brain. I know better than this. Without really thinking, I grabbed the bottle of fish sauce and blasted the hot oil with it. The reaction was instantaneous. The water vaporized immediately and the fishy residue lauched a plume of humid buttsmoke past me and into the living room.
I have never experienced anything like that smell. Fuuuuuuck. Fuck. It was so bad.
I was forgiven for my language later, once everyone understood. Once the true scope of the horror I'd unleashed had become apparent.
For the record, fish sauce goes in toward the end of what you're making.